My Last Day in Fourth Grade

Today was the last day of school.  For weeks I thought for sure I would cry today.  My last day as a fourth grade teacher.  After nearly a decade of teaching fourth grade at this school.  Not to mention the connection I always feel toward the kids.  You readers know what I mean; those kids who others consider challenging but you've figured out what makes them tick.  They're always so hard to say goodbye to.  And for the first time since I've been at this school, I won't be seeing much of them next year.  I won't have recess and lunch duty with them.  I won't see them in passing upstairs in the hallway.  I thought for sure I would get emotional.

The kids had been so much help packing and cleaning on Tuesday, they were kinder to each other than they had been earlier this month despite the heat.  For the first half hour of school they enjoyed reminiscing as they created their portfolio/memory books and "Remember When" slips.  After that we were given time to work in our rooms as all the kids in the school went to watch a movie in the cafeteria, (supervised by non-homeroom teachers) and the little time we did have together at the end of the half day, they just wanted to play.  We played an extra long, slightly wild version of mumball.  One girl did say at one point, "Wait, aren't we all going to like, say goodbye and cry and stuff?"  I smiled and told her, "If you want to we can.  Anyone who wants to go cry with 'Shelly' can go over to that side of the room."  A couple of her friends joined her, but of course they didn't cry; they chatted happily and that was fine too.

I felt at peace as I walked the kids out.  I never told them they were my last fourth grade class.  It wasn't for them to know; if anyone should be told, the incoming first and fourth grades should know that they would be having a different teacher.  There was no reason to break the news to this group of kids.  They deserved to have a normal last day of school with their own normal mixed emotions.  And they got that so I felt calm.  Less happy than usual, knowing the work ahead of me this summer, but less sad too.  I had already grieved and in my head started the process of moving on.  I held my head high at the staff party after school.

Although in my heart I was not feeling celebratory.